


Do you remember the first time you laughed?

by anastasiatremaine



Category: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-13
Updated: 2020-08-13
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:01:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25881766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anastasiatremaine/pseuds/anastasiatremaine
Summary: This is completely unfinished, a barebones outline and a couple of scenes, I just don't have any other way to share it with someone who is beta-ing it for me. feel free to ignore
Relationships: Data & Deanna Troi
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3





	Do you remember the first time you laughed?

[This takes place in the episode “The Next Phase” when Geordi and Ro Laren are phased-out bec of shady Romulan technology and everyone thinks theyre dead. I have changed it to a shuttle accident in addition to a transporter accident because the idea is that Data just watched their shuttle blow up and this triggers everything. OBrien tried to transport them out right before it blew and obviously thinks he was unsuccessful. Everyone thinks they died in the explosion but they were transported onboard just in time, just no one can see them.]

The android wasn't responding.

"Data, what are you doing?" Will asks, confused.

"I am emitting a low-level protonic tractor beam over the shuttle's debris, Commander. If my scan detects residual-"

"Data-"

"-drachyon particles, it may indicate-"

" _Data,_ " Will repeats, forcefully. Deanna's forehead has been increasingly and increasingly furrowed, and she puts her hand on Will's arm.

"Will..." she says softly, and shakes her head.

"- an as-yet-undetermined alien interference such as we detected on Gamelon V." Data falls silent, having given no indication he had even heard his two colleagues.

 _Data, they're dead,_ Deanna can hear Will thinking, but knows the look on her face stops him. She's staring at Data as he taps the panel in a manner not just his usual faster-than-human way. It is almost frantic. The rhythic hum of the beam's progress fills the awkward silence.

Deanna turns and heads towards the Captain's ready room. As they walk, Will asks her, "Deanna, what is it?"

She says nothing at first, trying to concentrate on what she's feeling from Data, an intense look of disturbance manifesting on her features. They continue across the bridge, and she merely says, "We need to see the Captain."

The door chimes. "Enter!"

They do so, and as he looks at them, she feels him become worried.

The Captain only says, "Counselor, Commander?"

They are silent. Will looks at Deanna, but she's thinking, concentrating, still sensing that which from Data she's never sensed before. Will glances at her, and then takes the lead.

"It's Commander Data, Captain. He seems convinced there's a chance Ensign Ro and Commander La Forge deaths' may not be what they seem. He began a protonic tractor beam to look for clues of their abduction-"

"But that's impossible," Picard says. "Commander Data surely knows that." He is very disturbed.

"I was going to order him to disengage his tractor beam, but..." he glances at Deanna, who thus far has not moved or spoken.

"Counselor?" the Captain prompts.

"Captain... I am sensing something from Commander Data that I've..." she trails off, shakes her head.

The Captain stands. "Counselor. What is it?"

Deanna breathes. "If I didn't know any better, I would say... he's terrified, Captain."

Will and Captain Picard exchange looks of alarm.

The Counselor's face has settled, still disturbed, but certain.

"He is absolutely terrified."

Picard nods, agreeing. "It appears that when Commander La Forge and Ensign Ro died-"

Data abruptly stands, and Picard falls silent.

"Commander?"

Data turns. His head subtly moves a few milimeters. He blinks.

"Request to be relieved of duty, Captain."

There is silence in the observation lounge. Counselor Troi looks distressed.

The Captain looks around, at Riker, at Troi. They say nothing. Picard says, "For what reason?"

Another head movement. "I am malfunctioning. I need to initiate a level-21 diagnostic." He is aware of the inadequacy of his explanation, but adds nothing.

"Malfunctioning in what way?"

Data doesn't respond. The uncharacteristic silence conveys more information than the likely over-technical explanation Data would provide would, were he inclined.

"I think you should allow it, Captain," Deanna says, quietly.

Captain Picard gently asks, "How long will the diagnostic take, Commander?"

Data blinks. Deanna's brow furrows.

"Under normal circumstances, with assistance, a level-21 diagnostic would take 8 hours, 17 minutes. However, it will now take approximately 29 hours, 3 minutes, sir."

"29 hours?!" Will says, eyebrows flying upwards.

"And 3 minutes, sir."

"Why must you complete the diagnostic alone, Data?" Deanna asks softly. The android stares at her.

"Because the only crew member with sufficient expertise to assist me is-" he blinks, "- unavailable."

Another uncomfortable silence.

"Data," Riker begins, placatingly, "I'm sure there are others onboard who could assist you. Lieutenant Barclay, perhaps-"

"No," he interrupts.

Surprise ripples through the senior staff members. There's a beat.

"Sir." Data adds.

"Commander," Will says, authoritatively this time, "this ship needs _your_ expertise to complete this mission, to continue the evacuation of the Romulans, to investigate the transporter-"

"I am malfunctioning, sir," Data interrupts, again, and Deanna senses he is aware of how he is overstepping, but that he is indifferent to it. He is desperate to get out of this room. "I cannot fulfil my duties," he finishes. He says nothing of his insubordinate behavior.

"Commander, join me." The Captain says, and he walks to the edge of the room, near the door. Data follows, and after a moment, so does Deanna, despite not being asked.

"Data... grief... is not a malfunction," Picard is saying, glancing at Deanna as she joins them, saying nothing of her appearance.

"It can be, Captain," Deanna softly supplies.

Data's head twitches. He doesn't acknowledge Deanna or the Captain's words. He repeats, "I am malfunctioning. I request permission to be relieved of duty for approximately the next 29 hours, 3 minutes, sir."

The Captain sighs. "Permission granted, Commander," he finally relents.

Data nods, and begins to leave the conference room.

In the doorway, he turns back. He says, "Commander,"

Commander Riker looks up.

"I am sure there are others onboard who can assist in the mission. Lieutenant Barclay, perhaps."

And then he is gone.

Riker looks at the door, closed behind him, and then at Deanna, whose surprised, and almost impressed, expression is a mirror of his own.

"I've never known Data to have _hurt feelings_ before," Beverly says, down the table.

Deanna can feel Data's irritability, and his terror, and his grief and pain. She almost wishes, not for the first time, that the others could feel what she senses during times like these, so they could understand.

"The diagnostic has revealed twelve previously redundant circuit pathways that were reprogrammed on stardate 45571.2."

"The Mab-Bu VI mission. When we were possessed by the electromagnetic lifeforms."

"Correct. Apparently, when the lifeform inhabited my consciousness, it re-routed key components in my neural net so it was able to intake and process its alien surroundings, and to exhibit its own emotion and personality."

Deanna is stunned that Data is already aware of his emotions, when he was so unwilling to entertain the idea only a few hours ago, and aware of their precise origin. The technical talk is somewhat lost on her, but he continues.

"The redundant pathways returned to a dormant state when the alien exited my consciousness."

"What do you think reactivated them?" Deanna asks innocently. Data looks at her, and his face is its normal, perfect, neutral self, but she senses a wave of powerful annoyance. She changes the subject.

"You said... redundant pathways?"

"Yes. I have several thousand redundant circuit pathways. In the event of the failure of one or several, the redundant pathways ensure I continue to function in the time it would take to repair them."

"I see," Deanna says. She walks over to a seat and perches stiffly on it, her hands on her knee, thinking.

"So, how are you... feeling, Data?" she says.

The Commander's head tilts for a split second. "I believe I am in pain." He says it matter-of-factly, as usual, and volunteers nothing further.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Data thinks. "On many previous occasions, I have come to you to discuss aspects of humanity I did not comprehend. It appears now _is_ one of those times."

"Experiencing pain after the death of a friend is common, Data," she says gently. She senses a massive increase in his emotion when she mentions Geordi, it takes all of her willpower to not physically wince. Data is inhumanly strong in all of his aspects, it would appear, including his emotional power, and it overwhelms her.

Data disconnects himself from the apparatus in the center of the room, the wires left hanging from the metal framing, the bioplast sheating of his scalp still peeled open.

"Diagnostic incomplete," the computer states.

"Common," Data says, or muses. "The term is not often applied to me."

Deanna shifts in her seat. "Does it bother you to be thought of as common?"

A beat, a twitch. "No." Another beat. "In fact, it is something I have strived for my entire life. I did not accurately predict how painful the process is."

Data is feeling shame, intense shame, that he did not accurately predict something, that despite all of his research, all he has witnessed of his friends, that he is still unprepared for the reality of it.

"In time, it will get easier, Data. This is very new-"

"My circuit pathways were not designed to process this volume of information," Data interrupts.

Deanna's brow furrows. "You said you had thousands of pathways, Data. These new emotions only take up twelve."

"The amount of particulate data one standard pathway receives and transmits is one trillion bits per second. One of these newly activated pathways operates at 14 times that." He pauses. "It... hurts."

Deanna isn't sure what she's sensing from the Commander now, but she doesn't like it. "It hurts for humans also, Data," she says, cautiously. "Like I said, with time-" the Counselor sighs as she is interrupted, again.

"These pathways were activated with Commander La Forge's death." It is breathtaking to Deanna, how a being could be feeling such intense pain, and still not waver in his voice, tone, facial expression, or body language. "I do not anticipate a return to previously established operating parameters without his return," he continues. If he is aware of Deanna's discomfort, he doesn't react so.

Deanna takes a moment to gather herself so she can speak. Her throat feels tight, and she feels as though a torrent of tears is desperate to escape. She finally opens her mouth, feeling steady, but before she can speak, Data says,

"I beg your pardon, Counselor, but any attempt to assure me that with time, I will adapt, is irrelevant. When the diagnostic is complete, I intend to find a way to disconnect the affected pathways." This conversation is the rudest Data has ever been to her, but more than that, the idea of simply _deleting_ his much-longed-for emotions stuns Deanna. He has moved further away from the metal framing in the middle of the lab, walking slowly as they speak to each other.

Eventually, she manages, "I don't think that's a good idea, Data."

He says nothing, but Deanna knows: he does not care.

She tries a new tack. "But what about the emotion chip Dr Soong designed for you? He made that _for you_. He _wanted_ you to have emotions."

"Basic emotions, Counselor. Not..." he awkwardly gestures towards himself, his head, the exposed lights therein blinking rapidly, "this."

"You have no way of knowing what those basic emotions would have felt like to you. It's very possible they would have been just as overwhelming."

A head twitch. "That is true." He considers. And then-

"Nevertheless, they are interfering with my duties, and must be discontinued."

Deanna knows when someone doesn't want to be argued with. But it feels important, very important, that Data does not do this.

"It's _normal_ after a traumatic loss to take _time_ to comprehend it. To _deal_ with it, to heal. Humans do it all the time. You can't simply... _discontinue_ your emotions." She is trying to remain patient, but she thinks she's failing.

"I am not human, Counselor," Data says, quickly, replying to her thoughtful comments almost as soon as they are out of her mouth. "And on the contrary, I can."

He sits next to her.

"When that lifeform inhabited my body, he violated me. He made extensive changes to my brain that I did not consent to, or choose. He made me assist the takeover of the ship, he made me cause injury, or attempt it, and injured me as well in the process. I will not allow myself to be changed by his will, by any will other than my own. Is this desire not also normal for humans?"

"The desire, yes. But many humans experience similar traumas. I myself was a victim of one of these same lifeforms. I myself have been violated, so many times sometimes I lose count," she can feel herself losing control, the frustration breaking way, "Don't you think _I_ want to forget? To turn it off and get on with my duties? But I _can't_ , Data, and if you truly want to understand being human, you can't either."

There's silence, except for the quiet beeps from the computer station, and the woman's heavy breathing. She hadn't intended to get so upset. She should have realized that being exposed to such intense feelings would affect her composure immediately. She knows she should excuse herself, but the look on Data's face stops her.

"I... was not designed... to function this way," Data stubbornly maintains, but his voice sounds the tiniest bit smaller.

Deanna reaches her hand to his. When he does not pull away, she gently says, "Your creator _wanted_ you to feel."

The two facts hang in the air side by side.

They sit. The room blinks and beeps ambiently. The ship quietly whirs around them.

Deanna stands up. She softly tugs at Data's hand, who looks up, perplexed, but joins her. She leads him to the viewscreen across the lab.

She taps a few buttons, and a picture of Data's cat, Spot, appears. She feels Data's fondness. A tap, and Timothy Harris, the boy he saved from the Vico, is next. A tap, and Tasha Yar. A tap, and Lal. A tap, and a picture of Geordi and Data in Ten-Forward together comes up on the screen. Geordi is laughing, and Data is looking at him with his characteristic slight, confused, fond smile.

Data stares at the screen. His eyes are very wide. The feelings coming from him are very powerful and quite varied; pain, joy, grief, wonder, love, longing, pleasure, fulfilment, loss.

"Does it still hurt, Data?" Deanna says very lowly.

"Yes," he whispers back.

"Do you want to get rid of _all_ of these feelings?" A tear falls down the Counselor's cheek, and she cannot tell if it is her own, or if it's the android's, and she's crying it for him because he can't.

Data doesn't move or speak. And then, slowly, he turns off the display, and stares at himself in the blank, black screen.

"I must ask you to leave, Counselor. I need to complete my diagnostic." He turns and walked back to the metal cage in the center of the science lab. The mechanical clicks tell her he has reinitiated the diagnostic, which the computer confirms a second later.

"Of course, Commander," Deanna says, and she leaves the man with the question she gave him.

I have an idea for a conference room scene. They are still working on the Romulan ship from the episode so they discuss that, but at the end, Picard asks Deanna for an update on Data’s wellbeing as he has received a report from him that states he has been researching how to disconnect the affected pathways. He writes that an attempt to do so is scheduled for nineteen-hundred hours and he will inform him of its success or not.

Beverly thinks it shouldn’t be permitted, that it’s akin to suicide, and he should be placed under guard for his own safety immediately.

At this point Worf chimes in about how Klingons have ritual suicide traditions, but before he can make his point, Beverly is like “Don’t remind me,” and “And I think that’s wrong too.”

“Data is not suicidal. On the contrary, he is desperately trying to find a way to survive,” Deanna says. Beverly starts to reply, but Deanna speaks over her, and directs her words to the Captain. “I would compare it more to someone trying to numb their emotions through self-harm or hypersexuality.”

“Captain, _how_ can you allow this? How would you feel if you knew there were people onboard self-harming or taking drugs-”

Deanna interrupts. “As ship’s counselor, I can assure you there are people onboard who are _not_ healthily processing their emotions. I believe that is the purview of any sentient being. It is an individual’s choice. If someone _wants_ help, wants to speak to a counselor or enter treatment, or if they don’t. Data is allowed to choose.”

After an awkward pause between the two women’s disagreement, the Captain says, “I’m inclined to agree with you, Counselor. How my officers do or do not… _process their emotions_ is entirely their own affair.”

Riker is gonna be like, a little confused, because aside from his outburst earlier, Data seems fine. He’s talking mostly the same, his tone and features are the same.

Deanna says, “Data is _not_ fine.”

Riker says, “Be that as it may, we need him, or we’ll never figure out what went wrong on that Romulan ship. Barclay and I and the entire Engineering team can’t make heads or tails of their computer.”

Deanna is annoyed at this callousness, but she appreciates how this must seem to her crewmates. Data really does seem mostly fine from the outside, and returning to duty is what he himself wants.

I imagine Deanna also saying something about how, “in this discussion we’ve been treating Data as if he were any organic being and how this would be handled if it were any other crewmember’s mental health situation. But we have to acknowledge that Data is _not_ an organic being and we have to accept that maybe Data knows himself and his capabilities more than us. He definitely understands his positronic brain and how it functions more than anyone else here.” At this point she glances down the table at Beverly. She looks as though she agrees, reluctantly.

“If Data says he can’t function, we have to acknowledge the possibility that that is true and take him at his word. The only person besides Data who would even know where to begin, and have an educated opinion, is Commander LaForge.” She winces when she realizes she has said “is” instead of “was”.

Picard nods, and before he can stop himself, taps his combadge, and says, “Picard to LaForge- please report-”

And then he remembers. And the silence fills the room awkwardly.

At this point, the “Camera” cuts to Data’s quarters.

Data is sitting in his chair at his desk, a Computer screen lit up before him. (there’s a usb cord connecting his head to the computer or something idk yet)

The screen shows the words, “PROGRAM READY.” Phased-out Geordi is beside him, saying “Data, don’t do this. I am going to find a way back, I’m working on it.” Data, obviously, doesn’t hear him.

Data’s hand hovers over the touchpad, ready to initiate the procedure, but before he continues, he pulls up a picture of Lal.

He accesses his internal memory files to once again hear her last words.

_“I feel…”_

_“What do you feel, Lal?”_

_“I love you, Father.”_

_“I wish I could feel it with you.”_

_“I will feel it for the both of us. Thank you for my life. Flirting. Laughter. Painting. Family. Female. Human.”_

Data puts his head in his hands and closes his eyes. He doesn’t know why, except it’s something humans seem to do when they’re upset.

And then- a head twitch. His eyes narrow as he realizes, as he remembers something.

Basically, Data remembers Lal died because her brain overloaded after feeling emotion. Data does a quick analysis and in a few seconds, when the results filter in, he realizes that he will actually suffer the same fate if he does not disconnect the pathways.

Data is extremely confused at what he’s feeling. He _wants_ these emotions to stop, the information that he actually _must_ sever them should only bolster his confidence in going through with the procedure. But he finds himself very, very, upset at this news.

In a subsequent scene, Data goes to Deanna for advice. She is relieved beyond measure when she can still sense emotions from him. When she hears of his dilemma, she asks him, “But I thought that was what you wanted. It appears that you do know your capabilities and your immediate instinct to discontinue the new emotions for your self-preservation was spot-on.”

But Data doesn’t move. He isn’t pleased by this development. Deanna can sense immense grief, anxiety, disappointment, and also confusion as to why he is even reacting this way when it was what he wanted from the beginning.

She asks him, very softly, why does this make him so upset?

Data says, in a manner that would be tearfully, “Now it is not my choice.”

I really don’t have any concrete scenes in my head after this, BUT:

\- They are going to research a way for Data to keep his emotions.

\- They find out that if he does not disconnect the affected pathways, he will achieve complete positronic failure in 64 hours.

\- This entire time, Data has also been looking and searching for Geordi and Ro, same as the episode.

\- Reluctantly, he allows Barclay and Beverly to examine him, and Barclay says they can put him into stasis which will halt any degradation, and give them the time they need for Bruce Maddox to come onboard. They are in deep space and Maddox is in Japan on Earth, and the earliest he can be here is three months. (Riker is so annoyed, they keep losing Data for longer and longer, first 29 hours, now THREE MONTHS??? he just wants to fix this dumb Romulan ship)

\- Data is adamant that he not be shut off for three months when he is trying to find Geordi, and it would also mean missing Geordi and Ro’s funeral service.

\- Also, Geordi is like, around in the background of all these scenes, phased-out, I have to go back and add him in to the scenes. I know what I want him to be doing and saying I just didn’t focus on that when I was blocking the scenes, and Geordi is going to be saying the answers and trying to goad Barclay (futilely) to arriving at the correct conclusions, and lets out whoops when Barclay does.

\- In the end, they get Geordi back, and Data simply says, “it is good to see you” just like the episode. And I’m gonna write a little epilogue where Geordi is working on Data’s brain and Maddox comes onboard and they all help Data keep his emotions without dying :) happy ending


End file.
